- Jay Leno
Friends and Family,
How many introductions can I come up with? Hopefully around 365.
At 0400, I was supposed to go with the Captain to pick up the 1stLt (Mike). That’s where I was SUPPOSED to be.
Where was I? Why, I was working on my 2nd hour of sleep, softly nuzzling up to my pillow I’ve named Ronda, until I get a cat who will inherit that name.
Now some of you would assume I was too tea-filled to make it to this 0400 appointment but you would be wrong. I was actually not that bad off, just tired and for some reason, I had my days mixed up. I thought we were picking up Mike tomorrow.
I just simply brain-farted this and didn’t even realize it until 0730 when I shot up in bed (sorry, Ronda) and exclaimed an explicative I will not repeat.
I rushed downstairs to look at the itinerary and, yep, I missed it. I checked the cell phone and there was the call by the Captain at 0405.
Damn.
What’s worse is that there were about 10 calls from the SSGT in Riyadh asking if the Lieutenant got in OK.
Hoping against hope, I got dressed and walked down to see if I could locate the Captain’s residence, which I had never been to before, and because God smiles down on idiots and babies, the Captain just happen to be driving up. I really couldn’t believe it because I walked out of my villa thinking there was no chance in hell that I would find his villa. I had nothing, NOTHING to go on and all the villas look the same. It was really a waste of time to walk in that direction and I figured I’d get to his general area, turn around, and come back.
But there he was driving up.
Thanks, Big Guy.
The Captain told me that he had tried to call (which I already knew) and he assumed I was in no shape to come along so he took off. Great, the Captain thinks I’m a raging drunk.
It ends up the Lieutenant was sleeping because he was not yet adjusted to the time change.
Since it was “virtual Sunday” here (the weekend here is Thursday and Friday), I went to the restaurant on the compound to have the brunch. It wasn’t too bad, although the bacon was just a lump of soft, fatty …...
Come to think about it (not until this moment), bacon is pork. I had pork today! Whoa, I didn’t even think about it until now.
Then again, maybe it wasn’t pork. Good God, what the hell was it?
Excuse me, I have to go vomit up my toenails…
The rest was your normal fair: eggs (dehydrated, ooh-rah), pancakes, potatoes, and pineapple juice. Yes, pineapple juice. I don’t know, just go with it.
After brunch, I decided to do something I had not done since I got here.
I went and got a movie.
They get in some very current movies here, some still in theaters, but they are in VHS, I assume because they don’t want you to pirate them. I don’t know who supplies them but they stay for about 2 months and we get more. You just check them out, take them back to your villa, and bust out the popcorn.
I chose “I Am Legend” because I thought that in my current situation, I could really identify with the main character.
Morbid but true.
I really didn’t know what to expect. I mean, were these pirated movies? Would I hear people munching popcorn and getting up in the middle of the screen?
And VHS?
Really?
They still make those?
Apparently they do and I was pleasantly surprised that it was NOT a pirated copy, and to tell the truth, the quality was actually pretty good.
My assumption was true, I did identify a little too much with the main character, except I didn’t have any flesh-eating zombies tied up in my basement.
I just got here, give me some time.
Afterwards, I met up with Mike and gave him the mind dump. I have only been here a week and I had so much to say, I think it was an hour and a half of one run-on sentence. It’s like I had lived here for months.
Poor kid.
We went and got a brief and then checked out the gym. He lifts so as soon as he gets adjusted, we will hit the gym 6 days a week. I think I’ve gained 10 lbs since I left San Diego so something must be done. Too much sleep, food, and tea makes a body nasty. And not the good nasty.
Tonight, I delved into more uncharted territory by making a real dinner. It was my first attempt at spaghetti in 39 years converting oxygen.
Not that it’s rocket science and with my iPod on, dancing around in the kitchen like some cliché movie scene, I browned the meat, seasoned the sauce, and cooked the noodles.
Once I turned on the CORRECT burner for the sauce, that process went a little faster.
When I was done, I served it up, popped in the second movie of the day (“P.S. I Love You” and yes, I’ve mailed my Man Card in as a result), and enjoyed my first real dinner from my own hands.
How was it, you asked?
Well, it was OK. It was nowhere near my lovely wife’s, of course but I didn’t poison myself which I’ll count as a win. The meat tasted a bit funny but it looked good before I browned it. I’d wager it was actual hamburger if I had to bet but then again, we all know my performance in Texas Hold ‘Em the other night.
I also have a couple of more meals sitting in Tupperware in the fridge so there’s another bonus. I’ve pushed back starvation for at least a few more days.
In other news, I got news that my brother is buying a motorcycle. My first reaction: “Chris, you do know you live in SEATTLE, right?”
Seems that the $100 per fill-up for the old Tahoe is taking its toll but hopefully that will be less than his hospital bills.
Not that I don’t think he can ride but a few things concerned me:
- We didn’t grow up with bikes and thus do not have it in our background
- He lives in SEATTLE
Also,
- Having ridden motorcycles, I know other people are IDIOTS!
- Having ridden motorcycles, I know how dangerous it can be
- Having ridden motorcycles, I know how slick a wet road can be
- Having ridden motorcycles, I know how vulnerable you are
Stay safe, Brother.
And to my wife: P.S. I Love you.
FML for Today: “Today, I was stopped by a cop for speeding. After he wrote me a ticket, I started driving down the highway with him behind me and rolled down my window. The wind swept through my car and blew my ticket out the window. I was stopped by the same cop and ticketed for littering. FML.”
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