The Wave Found Me

Quote of the Day: "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours."

- Harry S Truman

Friends and Family,

If you’ve been keeping up, you are probably thinking it’s all fun and games over here. And I really gave it some thought that I should shield all of you the not-fun-and-game times but if I’m going to carry you along with me on this one year adventure in Saudi Arabia, I can’t protect you from days like this.

I gave you the fun and there will be more but if I’m going to lay it all out there for you, you deserve to read about days like this if only to prove to you what we Marines sometimes try to hide: we are human.

I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time. I have done this enough times to expect it but expecting it doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s like running into the ocean, thrilled at the surf, the sound, the beauty and then getting that first big wave hit you as though the ocean is saying, “If you go any further, I’m going to make you pay.”

Today, the wave found me.

Maybe it’s the first weekend alone. Maybe it had something to do with showing someone my family photos on Flickr yesterday. Maybe it was just time and my defenses were spent. Whatever the reason, I got my introductory “tough day” missing my family so much it physically hurt.

For the curious among you or those that have walked down this road before, this is how I reacted.

I had no appetite and forced myself to eat a can of chicken noodle soup for lunch. I even made a salad which I actually enjoyed chopping up, taking my time.

Then I didn’t eat a bite of it.

Probably a dozen times over the day, I stepped outside and walked aimlessly around the compound in the 100+ degree heat.

I couldn’t take a nap despite only getting a few hours of fitful sleep last night.

I cleaned the house, of course. I cleaned the inside of the car. I worked on work email for a few hours which seemed to get my mind off it just a little.

I kept checking my watch, waiting until the hour I could reasonably call them and got in touch just before they left for a funeral. Afterwards, they were heading south from Seattle to San Diego, their month vacation coming to a sad close.

Talking to them was supposed to help, right?

Afterwards it was like I swallowed a mouthful of razor blades.

After a few more walks, I decided to go over to a friend’s house just to have some human interaction. It was good to talk to them but I didn’t want them to know just how hard this day was (although they are reading this now). I think I saw some understanding in their eyes and they were gracious enough not to take me to task over it.

I wandered home and tried to finish off the last of the chili but I could only manage a few bites. I did eat the salad though.

Cleaning the kitchen was something to do and when I was done, with only the oven light on casting a soft glow, it saddened me again because it looked like how Carrie leaves our kitchen every single night.

Pristine.

I took my last walk at night and walked the entire compound. I found we have a koi pond and sat on the bench provided. But I found no joy in the beauty it showed me.

I am exhausted.

But I doubt if I will sleep much tonight.

The 31st day away from my family didn’t go so well.

FML for Today: “Today, the couple next door were having sex while moaning. Loudly. So, I slipped a note under the door saying "SHUT UP". Later, I found out they were actually crying because their son had died. FML.”